Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
