So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
