i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
