Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
