I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
