Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
