i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
