My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
