Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
