If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
