why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
