Apparently you make a good broom.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
