At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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