so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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