Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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