It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
His hands were made for my vagina.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
