May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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