I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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