I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
