Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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