I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
