My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
