I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
