and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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