Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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