hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
