well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
