I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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