Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
