Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
