thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
