Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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