got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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