I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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