So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
