I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
