in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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