did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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