Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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