The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
