My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
