Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
