Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
