I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
