two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
