WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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