A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
