I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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