I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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