I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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