i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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