checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
